It’s weird. Yet, it’s the new social norm. You try to hold off as long as you can because you want to meet someone naturally or organically. You’re attending Church, involved in a small group, serving alongside the body, attending young adult events, but all you hear are crickets, and as you look around, nothing.
Then, you download the app, but which one…or ones? No need to worry because after downloading the app, you immediately cringe and delete it. But then an hour later you tell yourself, “Just get over yourself and try again.” Soon you’re creating a profile, it’s uploaded, and now you have access to a plethora of options, and oh my goodness, it’s quite something. You swipe, swipe, swipe, and feel as though you’re entering another dimension. Putting the phone down, you just wonder and pray, “Lord, how am I supposed to navigate this scene, and am I even supposed to?”
As someone who spent the last year on and off the apps, I can attest that it is a mixed bag of emotions. Maybe you’re there with me, know someone who is, or just starting out and waving your hand, “Help!” Here are some things I have learned along the way that I hope help you or a friend you care about.
Ground Zero: Know and Remember who God is.
First, remember who God is and who you are. God is in control, and he is sovereign even over the minuscule app you are utilizing to connect with another believer in Christ. He is more powerful than a “missed” like, connection, or opportunity. God’s purpose in your life is to use you to make his name glorified among all peoples and make you holy, and He will allow and bring about the best means possible to accomplish that in his wisdom. He is the creator, and we are his creation. He made you and knows what’s ultimately best for you. Even if that means no one swipes back, someone does, the chat goes nowhere, or it leads to marriage. The unknown is known to God, and we are not meant to know everything, but to seek to know Him more each day and rest in Him.
Set Standards, Don’t Settle, But Be Weary of a Critical Heart
Let the Bible set the standards and submit to them rather than your preferences. Look for someone who makes faith their priority on their profile. If the prompt says the following: “Typical Sunday,” look for Church involvement. You can’t know everything from a profile, but you do get a look into what they value, and we can try our best to discern with that information.
Discern Don’t Demean
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” Romans 12:10
The people on the apps are made in the image of God. God molded, crafted, and uniquely designed every single person that you wave at, swipe, or say “hey” to on the app. Ladies, if they are in Christ, they are also your brothers, and we should speak about them in such a way that respects them, even if you never meet them. Yes, some pointers on what not to post online could help some, but it is not our role to laugh at them. I have been guilty of this too, and it was the “faithful wounds of a friend” that pointed out this sin. Instead of mocking, remind yourself they are image bearers, move on, and humble yourself because they’re probably on there for the same reason you are.
Involve, don’t Isolate
“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against sound judgement.” Proverbs 18:1
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let Him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him” James 1:5
Don’t try to do this alone. Seek the Lord in prayer for wisdom, a gracious heart, and discernment. Pray about it and entrust yourself to His care. Remind yourself of who He is in the midst of it all and have a grateful heart. He’s omnipresent, here with you as you swipe, carry on a conversation, or face disappointment on the apps. He’s omniscient; He sees and knows everything. He’s omnipotent; he is all-powerful and can make things come to be or not.
Also, get a few trusted people around you who care for your soul, because an app doesn’t. Apps put you in charge. It can be about you all day, every day. You can swipe, say no, match with someone, or ghost someone all without involving anyone. Let a few trusted people know so they can pray for you, speak wisdom, and be an ear to listen. It is an exciting and nerve-wracking time, just like meeting someone in person. Having people speak into you is wise, so you don’t get lost in the vortex of yourself.
Clearly Communicate
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Colossians 4:6
You are a representation of Christ. Christ has spoken clearly to us; therefore, we should do the same to others. Clear does not mean you divulge too much information too soon. It is important to know our roles. Esther Liu, from CCEF, remarked that the dating app is at first like a virtual Church lobby. I appreciate that visual because it lowers the intimidation factor and reminds us what we would normally share and not share with a stranger.
Also, if you start messaging or go on a date and then are no longer interested, be kind and end it. Please, do not ghost. That is not considerate. Be accountable for your feelings and speak the truth in love as Christ did for us. You could tell them, “I don’t see this going any further, but thank you for taking the time to talk.”
Live As You Are Called
“Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:13
“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord…And the unmarried woman or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.” 1 Corinthians 7:32,34
Do I stay on and give it another shot? Do I get off? It is easy to get sucked into the lottery machine mechanics of the apps. You swipe, swipe, swipe, hoping that the next person will be someone of interest. I encourage you to discern your intent by weighing the wisdom of Scripture against what you think is best. Some questions to help evaluate are: Am I sober-minded? Meaning, am I still thinking clearly and focused on what the Lord has called me to do, or am I more distracted? Is it consuming my thoughts? After using the app, am I growing in holiness or becoming sluggish in sanctification? Am I more devoted to Christ or to what I think is best? Have I put off daily tasks to give my attention to swiping?
Also, if through prayer, God has not given you peace with going on them, it would be wise not to. If you have been on them for a while, you might need a break. Take one; it’s okay. You don’t have to be on them. You will not screw up God’s plan; you can’t. But you can be wise, obey him, and do what pleases Him. That might mean you use the apps, or it might be in your best interest not to. In the words of Paul, “Let each person lead the life the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him” (1 Cor. 6:17) and “Whether at home or away we make it our aim to please him” (2 Cor. 4:9).
“So long as holiness can best be brought forth in us through singleness, then God will keep us single. If marriage will better accomplish that in us, then he will see to it that we get married.” -Lydia Brownback
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